11. Moment of Truth

It didn't hit me all at once, but that's what it felt like. I vividly remember the moment I decided to leave the ministry.

It had been building up for a long, long time, as I had become increasingly aware that there was nothing uniquely supernatural about the Christian experience; no supernatural power to change lives, no divine nature imparted at the moment of conversion - no real evidence that any of what we were preaching was true.

The missionary girl had been ordered back to the USA for insubordination, because she had failed to keep her promise to break off the blooming relationship with her Mexican convert. She remained there for a few weeks until the young man sent her a plane ticket back to Mexico.

The Pastor called to inform me that she was, at that moment, on a plane headed my way. He chuckled and said, "Son, you sure do get yourself into some fine messes." I answered, "Well, I do have some help getting into them," referring to the missionaries and all their crap I'd had to deal with. But The Pastor misunderstood me, and thought I was referring to him.

"Wait just a minute, son. I didn't ask you to have those girls come work for you. You came to me about that."

I had never really thought about blaming him for any of the trouble the missionaries had given me; on the contrary, I was honored that he would send them to me for field training, and felt I had let him down by failing to provide leadership strong enough to keep them all in line.

The fact that the statement he had just made was blatantly false might be overlooked as faulty memory, but what bothered me deeply was the fact that he was so ready to excuse himself at even a perceived hint at that idea - as if he'd already rehearsed his answer.

Incidents and actions I had tried to ignore in the past came flooding to my mind, making it abruptly clear to me that The Pastor was nothing but another corrupt, disreputable scam artist, trying to cover his own ass. I had gone out on a limb under his authority, and at the slightest threat, he was ready to saw off the branch to protect his own reputation.

Everything about the ministry suddenly repulsed me. It wasn't about helping people; it was about power, money, image building, and manipulation. It was bullshit.

"I want out," I said aloud after hanging up the phone. "I don't want to do this any more."

My wife (now ex-wife) was walking through the room and stopped in front of me. "Out of the ministry, or out of our marriage?" she asked.

I just looked at her. We both knew the only reason I had stayed in the marriage after the first year was because of the ministry. She was staying in it only for the children. It was a failure, and it was getting worse. We both knew the answer.

But I had an $80,000.00 building debt to pay off. There was no way I could leave the ministry with that debt over my head, but there was no way I was staying married to that woman, either. "What the hell?" I thought. "The last 20 years of my life have been a lie. Everything I've lived for and been willing to die for has been a big, ridiculous fairy tale. Why not get out of it with a lie?"

So I bit my lip and said, "Oh, I'm just letting off steam." Then I began executing my plan. I bought $200,000.00 worth of life insurance, told my family we would be returning to the States for furlough at the end of summer, and announced my resignation to the congregation I had started and pastored for the last 8 years.